Feels

I love about love the unforgiving nature in which we go about spilling our self onto another. Constant communication, reliance and acceptance of dependency. Unconditional affection. It really isn't something you can search for, rather something that reveals itself. In love, timing is everything.

Overthinking

Tearing at my skin in the early hours of the morning. I've always preferred notches over lightly dragging a razor across what's on the outside, the deep reach is soothing. This is not an attempt on my life, maybe an attempt to settle my mind. Half-hearted scratches are no more than a tease, hanging relief over your head. If you'll mark yourself at the very least make it satisfying and keep it close, personal.

Comfort

My situation, who I am, is so hard for me to put into words. The people I surround myself with do not exactly need me, but the absence of my presence would be obscenely wrong. I am not alone but somehow I can't stop doubting the strength of others feelings for me. I don't need to be loved by everyone, what I crave is pure, platonic love from a select few. Unconditional, unwavering friendship. I have a huge appreciation for those around me, their various qualities, what makes them so different from one another. It really is a diverse group, large too, though there are closer knit groups within. My point here is that I do not know how I made these friends as I feel so beneath them, some are endlessly interesting whilst I am quietly-spoken, expressionless, placid, docile. I feel so greatly for those closest to me but I battle an endless fear that they will leave me, retreat on any level would be so incredibly painful; unbearable. Habitually, I have scattered between them my history, thoughts and even those seemingly ineffable feelings that we each hide within us. As a child and even into the early years of adolescence I was very secluded, I stopped going to school and cut off contact with everyone I knew. Those connections have still not been repaired and I suppose I have no intentions to work towards a reconciliation. Presently I am happier, but now that I have been introduced to the joy of communication ranging from very basic acquaintanceship to unconditional friendship,  I feel that if it were to leave me I would be empty. These connections are all I have. My life will go on beyond these people, expansion is natural and I'll accept it as it comes. However, an untimely end to this comfort will shatter me. I have plans, ideas, wishes that extend out into a spacious world but I am very aware that I have an overwhelming dependence on others that will both hinder and benefit me in areas down the track, I am prepared.

Introduction

Hello. This post is heavily self-centered.
Please understand that I do not consider myself a writer, nor am I riddled with self-pity or monumental troubles. I believe there is a lot of stigma attached to blogs and it will most likely be hard to kick myself into this, any variation on a diary entry comes close to making me cringe, but I have so much to say and nowhere to release it. I'll be posting here for as long as it is convenient, as long as I am interested.
There is an about me section but I'm hesitant to go into detail there, I don't want to see it every time I open this page.
I think a lot but unfortunately I am far too concerned with people and my own situation, some of my most sincere appreciation is for those whose imagination reaches beyond what is immediately near to them. I couldn't tell you how I appear as my perception of myself is probably totally warped just as everyone else seems to be. My voice is soft, my sentences cut short more often than not. I wish I was a very different person; that I was openly happy and welcoming. My mood fluctuates pretty strongly, my happiness is heavily reliant on the people in my life. Lately I have been down, doubtful, unwilling to repair myself; lazy. I live with my mother, it may seem brutal or cold but I don't often think about my father, he barely matters and I've not seen him in near a decade. I am surrounded by a lot of people and lucky to be so, some of them are so important and it feels like they are everything.
It's late (2:08am) and I don't care to continue this 'about me', goodnight.