Comfort

My situation, who I am, is so hard for me to put into words. The people I surround myself with do not exactly need me, but the absence of my presence would be obscenely wrong. I am not alone but somehow I can't stop doubting the strength of others feelings for me. I don't need to be loved by everyone, what I crave is pure, platonic love from a select few. Unconditional, unwavering friendship. I have a huge appreciation for those around me, their various qualities, what makes them so different from one another. It really is a diverse group, large too, though there are closer knit groups within. My point here is that I do not know how I made these friends as I feel so beneath them, some are endlessly interesting whilst I am quietly-spoken, expressionless, placid, docile. I feel so greatly for those closest to me but I battle an endless fear that they will leave me, retreat on any level would be so incredibly painful; unbearable. Habitually, I have scattered between them my history, thoughts and even those seemingly ineffable feelings that we each hide within us. As a child and even into the early years of adolescence I was very secluded, I stopped going to school and cut off contact with everyone I knew. Those connections have still not been repaired and I suppose I have no intentions to work towards a reconciliation. Presently I am happier, but now that I have been introduced to the joy of communication ranging from very basic acquaintanceship to unconditional friendship,  I feel that if it were to leave me I would be empty. These connections are all I have. My life will go on beyond these people, expansion is natural and I'll accept it as it comes. However, an untimely end to this comfort will shatter me. I have plans, ideas, wishes that extend out into a spacious world but I am very aware that I have an overwhelming dependence on others that will both hinder and benefit me in areas down the track, I am prepared.